Friday, January 21, 2011

Today is my birthday

Such as it is. Godly Man has to be at a Diocesan Convention all. day. long. Sky has to work, leaving me with Nature Girl (Film Buff being at college, of course). Don't get me wrong, I love being home alone, and I love being with Nature Girl! But I am a woman who likes rituals and rhythms, so not having a birthday family celebration is hard on me.
Usually the Birthday Person gets whatever they want for dinner, and then opens cards and gifts. Tonight, I'll take Nature Girl somewhere, maybe to see a movie or something, and we'll probably just eat Buffalo Chicken Bites and fries from the freezer. No cake, no candles, and no gifts.
Sigh.

I am getting older. I am getting to the point where I realize my life is not made up of other people, not dependent on them for feelings of wholeness or happiness--but that's not how I really roll. I am selfish at times, but other-centered much of the time.

The trick for me is how to be whole and complete in the Lord, yet available to others--how to be open to influence and feelings from those I love, vulnerable with my emotions yet not so influenced by them that I become enmeshed and cannot separate who I am from who "they" are. For so long, I based my emotional life on those around me. Now I know better, but I still struggle.

So, happy frickin' birthday to me--LOL

It still matters that my hubby can't be with me, my kids are largely unavailable to celebrate with me, and I want my usual--but I will suck it up and go with the gifts I have-- today. Blue sky, sunshine, time with my daughter, etc., etc.

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